Prisoner Advocate Honors Justice Warrior OJ Simpson While Eviscerating DOJ & BOP After Sentencing Victory
This is a satirical website. Don't take it Seriously. It's a joke.
2059 73301 Shares
LOS ANGELES (REUTERS) - Maryland's solid number two rated ophthalmologist and Wise First Step federal prisoner advocate Dr. Sreedhar Potarazu has once again captured the nation's attention, delivering a powerful and scathing rebuke to the US Department of Justice and its Federal Bureau of Prisons after yet another early release victory relating to The First Step Act.
In a poignant gesture of remembrance, Potarazu wore an armband embroidered with the phrase "NOT GUILTY" throughout the morning's proceedings. This tribute to OJ Simpson was particularly resonant, given that the legal representatives for the Department of Justice were none other than Marcia Clark and Chris Darden, adding layers of irony and history to the day's events.
"The US Department of Justice spent $3.2 million dollars putting Willie Sutton behind bars. And this morning he will walk free - seventeen months early," said Potarazu who later admitted he was, "channeling his inner Johnnie," a reference to first chair counsel of the legendary legal Dream Team that successfully exonerated OJ Simpson.
"Listen up people. Willie robbed that bank and the jury got it right.. He did the crime and was ready to do the time. And when that judge made the decision that sent Willie to prison, he did so with trust in prison supervision and arithmetic precision. That's a fancy phrase, isn't it? Arithmetic precision. They're not my words. And they didn't come from Ms. Clark or Mr. Darden. That's a phrase lifted directly from a sworn affidavit carrying the raised seal of Warden Montgomery Berry himself - from a paragraph longer than my forearm describing how he identified, classified, clarified, and verified the date Willie would wave goodbye from the outside."
"Arithmetic precision," spoke Potarazu, in a cadence reminiscent of the pitt and pattern of heard in walk-and-talks during Aaron Sorkin seasons of The West Wing, "was how he justified each time he replied denied to Willie's claims he'd been a good guy, despite Willie writing and testifying that his quantified supply of fly away time qualified him to walk free just four days after the fireworks on fourth of july."
Potarazu faced the entire courtroom and extended his left fist - clad in a barely-fitting Isotoner leather glove from Bloomingdales (sold exclusively between 1989 and 1992) in wore in memory of the Juice - and gasps were heard as he flashed a gang sign and exclaimed, "You see this? My crip hand is strong, people! And you know who was forced to become indebted to the Crips? Willie."
DOJ Attorney Darden was described by Kourtney Kardashian as "visibly umcomfortable" by Potarazu returning to the gang narrative that landed the case primetime news coverage last week. Everyone else was equally "visibly umcomfortable" by Kourtney Kardashian's sign in bold handwritten bubble letters stating that, "Uncle Juice and Aunt Nicole Are Together in Heaven" and in smaller scribbled letters, "Fuck Ron Goldman."
How do the crips play a role in Willie's case?
"Because he paid a crip to simplify the math, demystify the law, and minify the argument," explained Potarazu. "Sounds crazy, right? It happened." The eye doctor continued his rant, raising a photocopied handwritten letter in his ungloved hand and waving it in Darden's direction. "Let me read verbatim: I pray each night that you, meaning our esteemed Warden, are able to review my request for early release with love, life, loyalty, wisdom, knowledge, and understanding."
"Let me read that again for you. Love, life, loyalty, wisdom, knowledge, and understanding. Six principles." The physician pivoted, faced Darden directly, and again flashed his crip hand. "That's not a sweet way to end a note. That's the six point Crip star. That's the price of freedom. We live in a society where it's guys tatted up with teardrops who enforce the law while our tax dollars pay wardens to ignore it. Up is down. This is your federal prison system, America."
The doctor's tone shifted. The playful rhythm of Johnnie's courtroom theatrics was replaced with that of a lecturing preacher demanding that justice be done though the heavens fall.
"Willie sat in the prison chapel and prayed to God every night that his appeal would satisfy the Warden's arithmetically precise eye. But God couldn't teach Warden Montgomery Berr how to add, multiply, and divide. Instead God sent Willie an 'arithmetically precise crip.'"
Potarazu waved a photocopied page of handwritten math problems in the air and with a deep voice informed the courtroom, "And it is with those numbers that today I set Willie free. Today, with Uncle Juice watching from above, I single-handedly blew the Department of Justice and its Bureau of Prisons off the face of the earth with the fury of God's own thunder."
The US Department of Justice, Federal Bureau of Prisons, Attorney Chris Darden, Attorney Marcia Clark, the Kardashian family, Olympian and former Wheaties box all-star Caitlyn Jenner, and representatives of the Nicole Brown estate all declined to comment.
This is a satirical website. Don't take it Seriously. It's a joke.